The Dangers of Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is coming and with it come all the dangers of presuming you know what women want. Any man even remotely involved with a woman will need to present her with a gift that expresses his devotion. Too bad we’re so socially advanced; most other species get away with bringing home a dead animal or fighting with tooth and claw. Somewhere along the way, the human mating ritual expanded to include flowers and a lot of bluffing.

It would be easier to skip the whole affair. Nevertheless, getting nothing is not an option because she’s not going to forget. No, she’s been planning your gift ever since she finished unwrapping her Christmas presents.

But you can’t just get her a card. It’s apparently got to have more meaning behind it than the Hallmark limericks can offer. Flowers always seem to have meaning even though they are going to wither and die in a few days. Presumably, this isn’t supposed to be a symbol of the relationship, so I’m not quite sure what significant meaning a bouquet of roses is supposed to have. Other than the fact that you just blew the monetary equivalent of several dinners and a movie on eleven-and-a-half mediocre roses that aren’t quite as perky as the florist promised. Funny how the florist’s prices skyrocket while quality plummets every year between the 13^th and the 15^th of February. Must be one of those funny stock market things.

Chocolates used to be a sure bet, but lately eating has gone out of style and has been replaced by a lot of crazy diets. Giving chocolates for Valentine’s Day could very well get you a browbeating for tempting her to break a diet that she has been so faithful to for so long...well, ever since New Year’s at any rate.

I’ve seen several different TV shows and movies refer to men giving lingerie for Valentine’s Day. It’s incredible that anyone would accept such a blatant inaccuracy because women are not looking to get a fur-lined g-string for their special day. There are only two types of men who give lingerie for Valentine’s Day: those who have been spending more time on the internet than with real women, and those who aren’t planning on being with this particular woman by next Valentine’s Day anyway. Giving a woman lingerie for Valentine’s Day is like her giving you the complete DVD set of A&Es Pride and Prejudice for your birthday. Somewhere along the way it becomes apparent that you aren’t quite as sincere as you should be.

Don’t fear, though. Some men manage to avoid the pitfalls and do it right. The guy who is lucky enough to think of something unique has it made. Maybe he’s even created something himself from scratch, something that his wife will see every day and be reminded of his everlasting love.

Smug little show-off.

For the other 300 million of us in the continental United States, things aren’t so easy. All I’ve got so far is a bag of red and pink M&Ms and a Hallmark card. I couldn’t even afford one with a complimentary limerick.

Let’s see...Roses are Red, You are Too. No that’s not it....