The Best Form of Government

I have been watching all the political turmoil that is going on in our country lately and I am becoming more and more convinced that democracy just isn’t working. We need to redesign the system so it better serves the needs of our country.

Personally, I think the ants have given us a great model for a self-governing society: the monarchy. The queen ant rules over the entire colony, making sure that it runs efficiently and that every ant has what it needs. Why can’t we mimic that? There will be no poor, no needy, no class distinction, aside from the worker/queen thing of course.

Monarchy has somehow fallen out of fashion but I think our ant friends have shown us that it is the only long-term solution to benefit our colony, er, country. Look at England. They have the Queen Mother and that’s been working out well for them since Francis Bacon and his ship of hams.

The only difference between ants and England is that the British queen hasn’t given birth to everybody in the country. At least not that I’m aware. Oh, and ants don’t like tea. And ants don’t have a Prince of Wales. And their guards don’t wear big fuzzy hats. And ants don’t play cricket; well not the game anyway. They do have cricket friends who come and play cricket music for the colony. But in all other respects Great Britain has made an admirable facsimile of the ant system of government.

I think it’s time that we recognize that ants have figured out this government thing and accept their ideas. Everybody needs a mother figure and I think an American queen would fill the roll nicely for everybody. We don’t even have to have an ant queen; I’m sure a human could do a nice enough job. I vote for Angela Lansbury, she seems like a very nice lady. I’m sure she would make a great Queen of America.

Or maybe we could use the next Miss America pageant to pick the queen. Could anyone fault us for having a queen who got high scores in the swimsuit competition? At least she would properly reflect our wholesome American values and our desired foreign policy for The Iraq.

Think on this idea of American monarchy. The ants know what they are doing and I think it is time to humble ourselves and submit to their superior system of societal rule. Ants don’t need republicans; ants don’t need democrats; ants just need a queen with a big abdomen. Long live the Queen!

Werewolf Avoidance Technique

I have some good news for those suffering from an overabundance of werewolves in their lives. I was recently told by a reliable source that it is very unlikely to find werewolves working as proctologists. Apparently it’s difficult to keep their identity a secret with all those full moons. So if you’re worried about werewolves, try to develop some serious hemorrhoids or find some other reason to hang out at the local proctology clinic.

On second thought, maybe you could go as a totally healthy patient. Those proctologists probably see some really gross things on a daily basis, so they might appreciate a nice clean specimen of healthy hind-end, once in a while. It’s probably pretty rare that somebody limps into their office exclaiming, “Doc, I’ve got a bad case of healthy bum!”