The Next Big Thing in Firearms

Just the other day I learned of one of the most astoundingly unusual things I had ever heard of. I couldn’t have been more astonished if you had told me Angela Lansbury was a meth dealer, child abuser and bunny killer.

A friend told me that a local store was selling pink rifles.

Yes, you read that right, pink rifles. Move over “jumbo shrimp” there’s a new oxymoron in town and it’s packing some seriously feminine heat.

I would like to meet the man who thought that pink rifles would be a good sales strategy. After all, nothing draws the small arms enthusiasts like a pale shade of rose. And the 2009 models will come in periwinkle and lavender.

I just can’t imagine a world where somebody would want a pink rifle. I’m willing to bet my entire collection of John Wayne movies and boxing gloves that there is not a single man who simultaneously enjoys shooting guns and the color pink. I know a lot of guys who won’t even wear those bright orange safety vests because they look too sissy. They would never be caught in the vicinity of a pink rifle, let alone shoot one.

I also know several women who enjoy target shooting, but the pink rifle still seems to be aiming for the wrong demographic. You never see a woman drive up to the shooting range in a pink Hummer, toss her pink flip phone into a sparkly pink purse and then pull a rifle off the gun rack in her rear window.

In my disbelief I hopped on the internet and, sure enough, there are pink rifles for sale. But their marketing logic just doesn't seem to extend to firearm sales. Making pink rifles is the equivalent of manufacturing Maxi pads in several shades of puce, or gourmet food with a packet of fake vomit “to surprise your friends,” or a Hemingway literature compilation with a free issue of a Dragonball Z comic. It just seems like marketing suicide.

But then again, that’s probably what they said about creating a show for Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, and look where that led. Now they just need Miley to do a couple of product placement ads on her show for pink rifles. “Hello kids, and welcome to the Miley Ray Cyrus Show, sponsored by Remington. Tired of all the dull browns at the gun shop? Then spruce up your gun case with a little pink!”

I take it back, pink rifles are going to be a tween sensation.